This is kind of different from my usual themes. I wanted to experiment with an anti heroine. After wiki-ing Marvel the idea just got stuck in my head. So after pondering about how to apply the theme in a romance story, I came up with this idea.
Feel free to tell me what you think guys…….
When a woman makes love, how can she not fall in love? Or maybe it should be called by what it actually is. Sex. Lust. Moments of burning passion so intense that it fills all my senses and shutters the very core of my being.
For me it goes beyond a few moments of uncontrollable desire, the need to complement an empty soul, a thirst that demands quenching for the arms that offers a promise of comfort and care. It was a crime committed by my heart who was yearning for affection and tenderness.
“Are you feelng better now?” He asked caressing my head. His warm embrace always has the soothing affect on me. The heart that opened up to receive my sorrow, the ear that patiently listens to my rant, the words that tries to bring up my spirit.
I nodded, “Thank you for always being there for me…. ”
“That’s what I’m here for sweet heart… ” Those words……. those were the words I longed to hear from the one I was supposed to have and to hold, but instead those words came from another. “I have to hurry and leave now, my wife is waiting for me at home. I don’t want her to be lonely.” He said as he got up from the bed and headed to the shower.
I put on a very understanding smile, “Of course, she must be waiting anxiously for you.” I said. My heart couldn’t help adding, “I would too if you were mine.”
As he entered the shower, I couldn’t help but curse myself. Me, a very sensible and responsible person, how could I knowingly let myself enter in such a damned relationship.
I shook my head as I summon my will. “This is a pass time,” I tell myself, a situation to benefit both of us. For me it is to fill in the void of a dead end relationship with my significant other, a little intermezzo in my daily routine, one that promises excitement and anticipation for the next few hours we spend together. A fling that has no strings attached, no complications, no future. For him….., I take a deep breath, what’s in it for him? What is his motive? That I can’t be sure.
“I’m done,” He said merrily as he came out from behind the bathroom door, “I had to scrub myself down there to make sure that there was nothing funny.”
My heart sank at his words, a mixed feeling of offense, insulted and hurt began invading my heart, still I forced a smile, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want her to catch anything funny. About what we’ve been up to, I mean. I’m not talking about ailments or sickness.” I made myself clear, the last thing I want was to have him think that I was a decease ridden harlot.
“That’s why I wear protection,” He smiled again.
I nodded without saying a word. Instead, I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I set the shower to just the right temperature, letting the water fall on my body, wetting my hair, my skin, my soul.
I stood still for several minutes, appreciating the steady stream of water from the shower head. Taking a deep breath I snapped out of my brooding and began to lather my skin with soap washing away the deed that took place just a few minutes ago.
I cover my naked body with the white towel. He stood there completely dressed, “We have to hurry,” He said while checking his phone.
“Why don’t you go first!” I said nonchalantly hiding my annoyance.
“That won’t be right,” He replied, “I can’t just leave you here, I don’t mind waiting a few more minutes until you finish.”
I sneered and quickly put on my clothes, “Let’s go!” I said walking to the door, opening it and rushing out without saying anything else. I took long strides even though my strides were relatively short. From the corner of my eyes I can see him catching up with me.
“Let me accompany you till you get a taxi,” I heard him say.
I didn’t say anything else, his attention still caught my heart, fading away the darkness that was grabbing my mind.
We stood together at the cross road, he extended his arm to flag an empty cab that was driving by, “Text me as soon as you get home,” He added.
I bit my lip and nodded. “Why can’t you just be a jerk?” I complained in my head. The gentle good bye kiss that followed conquered my heart yet again, and I’m back at the starting point of this vicious circle. Smitten over him maybe even more than ever.
* * *
“I miss you, do you want to meet?” I can hear my own voice echoing across the small room as I hid in the filing room to make a call.
“Mmm, I don’t think I can make it. We have family coming over tonight for dinner, it’s her parents’ anniversary and we are hosting the party,” He replied, “This means a lot to her so I can’t let her down.”
“Oh, I see,” I can feel the pain in my knuckles as I grasped on to the phone. I tried hard to swallow my tears .
“Maybe we can see each other the day after tomorrow. What do you think? I miss you too, you know!” He sounded persuasive.
I hesitated, my heart screamed to say yes, but my mind convinced me otherwise. “Let me think about it,” Was my response.
“Why do you have to think about it? I thought you felt the same way I do, don’t you want to be with me?” He continued.
“Okay… ” I wasn’t sure.
“Great, I’ll wait for you at the usual place,” His voice was cheerful.
“Okay…. ” I didn’t know what else to say.
* * *
“What’s up, kid?” She asked as she threw herself on my bed.
“Hey, Diane,” sitting on the floor with my head on my knees I didn’t bother to look at her.
“Got the blues….?” She teased.
I stayed quiet, not happy that she was mocking my sadness.
I heard her sigh, “Kid, let’s be honest with ourselves. What you’re going through is the product of your own device. Instead of taking a step to solve your problems, you’re digging your own grave!”
“Shut up!” I shouted holding both hands to my ears.
“Deny it all you want…. ” She continued, “You know I’m right.”
“I know, I know! All I want is an escape from reality,” I insisted.
“If you’re aware of that then good! You should also understand that you shouldn’t invest too much emotions into it. You don’t want to get hurt, which will happen if you do that!”
“Diane, why are you always killing my hopes?” I protested.
“Honey, I’m your voice of reason. I’m not killing your hopes, I’m just reciting what you already know. That’s all!” She said flatly, “And why are you stupid enough to have hopes? What hopes? That he’s going to come for you? That he’ll leave his life to be with you?” She began to laugh sarcastically.
“Diane….” I wanted to argue, but I knew she was right, “I never thought that! Do you think I’m a home wrecker?” I continued to deny.
“Keep telling yourself that, honey! That sad face of yours tells me differently!”
“It’s not that simple! Not for me or for him!”
“Yeah, true enough! He has to juggle between his booty call and his real life!”
“Diane! Don’t talk about him like that!”
“Look! My word of advice to you is to stop it! Stop while you’re ahead! Stop before anyone else gets hurt! Do the right thing and end it!”
I jumped up to hit her when I felt a pain on my head, I opened my eyes and shook my head clearing away my sleepiness. I looked around to find myself on the floor. I must have fallen off the bed.
“Give me a sign…. “I pleaded covering my face with the palms of my hands.
* * *
Sometimes knowing what is wrong or right is not enough. It’s also important to have enough will power to do the right thing. This was the thought that crossed my mind as I laid in his arms, with my head on his chest.
Wrong, completely sinful and abominable. If it is wrong , why does it feel so right when ever he holds me in his arms? If it is sinful, then why do his kisses feel like heaven? If it is abominable, why does his embrace give me a sense of bliss?
With every single word that I look forward to every day. My heart waiting for the moments when we exchange verbs, nouns and countless emoticons. How can all these lovely and happy feelings be bad?
“This was great as always, you’re so hot,” He said as he smiled.
His soft voice hit me like thunder. I’m hot. That’s right! That’s what I let myself be. Just a hot piece of flesh for him to enjoy.
I reflected upon myself, to my inner self. Is this what I’m going to let myself become? A sex toy for some guy who couldn’t care less about me?
The sad part is……the sad part is that it was all my fault. Diane was right, I knowingly and willingly dug my own grave and now I have to lie in it.
But wait! The grave hasn’t been covered, I can still jump out. It’s not too late for me yet. It’s not all lost, I still have the chance to conserve what dignity I have left. I still haven’t gone too far….
“What are you thinking?” He asked full of tenderness and care.
I got out of the bed, “Where are you going?” He asked surprised at my sudden movement.
“I have to go…. ” I hurried down and rushed to the shower.
“But I haven’t finished yet…..I mean I still want to be with you….. ” He coaxed.
I froze and turned around, “You know, I adore you!”
“I do too, sweet heart!” He replied.
“No… no… no… you don’t understand! I adore you so much. To me you’re the perfect guy.”
“I’m not perfect! I’m cheating on my wife!” Was that guilt and shame I heard? Yes, that’s what I am a source of guilt and shame.
“When I was younger, I was always taught to marry a man like you. Hard working, responsible, considerate. That’s what I mean by perfect! Okay we are not together to be married at some point, our relationship is a short term one, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re perfect in my eyes,” I paused then casted my bait, “As for cheating, it’s normal for men to want to find a booty call outside the house…. ”
“Hmm… you’re right, it is….. ” He agreed.
This was the right answer! He has finally transformed into a jerk! This was my sign, I have to go as fast as I can!
This is the right thing to do! I eased the tears ready to rain down from my eyes. I quickly got dressed as he sat there confused.
I turned around and saw him quickly putting on his clothes too, “I need to shower first!”
“Yeah go ahead!” Again trying to sound normal.
“Wait for me to finish… ” His puppy eyes looked ever so sincere.
I was about to just leave when I realized that I’m hurting, if this is the end, at least let me hang on to the very end. So I nodded.
I stared into space as I waited, my heart in a million little pieces, water dripped on my hands. Not from my eyes, but from somewhere deeper.
“Every time you’re with him, you’re actually alone!” I remember Diane’s words, “Because though he’s by your side, though he holds you tight and kisses you softly, but his heart is never there. Stop now, before it’s too late, before you hurt yourself, before you drown, before you fall in love with your own imagination! That’s what loneliness does to people like you, it plays tricks on the mind and make you believe in things that are not real. Leave now and move on, because for you this may be a bitter sweet memory that you’ll carry for the rest of your life, but for him this is meaningless. As soon as you let go of this insanity he would move on to his next amour and you will be nothing more than a girl he once slept with among many other temporary flings. ”
I didn’t turn around when I heard him enter the room, the rustle of his clothes told me that he was getting dressed.
“Let’s go…. ” He said, “I actually should get home, my wife will be arriving soon.”
We walked out together, keeping our distance as cheating couples do. My eyes caught sight of the cross road. I took a deep breath as I felt a sting creeping from within.
The taxi that he called had stopped in front of us, I closed my eyes as he kissed my lips gently and passionately.
“Time to say goodbye…. ” Were the words I said, “It has been great…. ”
“Yeah, it was good… ” He agreed.
“Good bye, my friend……. ” I said, then whispered while waving my hand, “Good bye my short lived love affair …… ”
Today I’ll cry and call your name in silence, a price to pay for the bad decisions I’ve made, but tomorrow is another day, and my life will go on, I’ll cry again and I’ll smile again.
Like an addict I will feel the pain of withdrawal, I’ll hold back the urge to relapse and find you again. As to me you’re like a drug that keeps me high and flying in happiness. A happiness that is unreal and will lead me to self destruct.
I’ll remember this moment forever, the moment of our last kiss at the cross road.